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Archive for January, 2009

Presidential Cupcakes!!

Presidential Cupcakes!!

 

 

Ok… I’m officially tired of the presidential race… it’s been going on for so long now that I really can’t keep track anymore of who stands for what, and what wonderful things they’re going to do for me if they get elected…

But the one thing that always makes me curious is…

Why on earth would you want to be President in the first place??

I mean, think about it…

It’s one of those jobs where, no matter what you do or how well you do it, somebody somewhere is going to be upset with you…

No… wait… I take that back… you don’t upset “someone”… you upset a WHOLE LOT of someones…

This is a job where you can actually irritate entire segments of the population with a simple statement and no amount of backpedaling will make it all better…

For instance… if I was running for President, and someone is interviewing me and says, “What are some of your favorite foods?”

I would pause, reflect presidentially and then say, “You know… I really enjoy Hostess Orange Cupcakes…”

Ok… here’s what happens…

First the “Healthy Eating” citizens would be on me because I’m “encouraging the young people of America to eat snack foods loaded with sugar, trans fats and artificial colors and flavoring and has enough calories to feed a small village for a week…” and do we want someone that irresponsible to lead our nation?

Then, the “Little Debbie” company would file a complaint indicating that the candidate is showing favoritism by naming Hostess as a favorite and demanding that the candidate give an equal endorsement to Little Debbie Orange Cupcakes…. (Tasty, but not as good as the Hostess…)

Then some psychologist would go on Oprah and indicate that the candidates preference for Orange Cupcakes indicates a deep seated resistance to facing up to the adult issues in his life and instead prefers to spend his time in a self induced childhood state filled with colorful foods and fantasy snacks… and if elected, would probably make the Orange Cupcake a mandatory food for all citizens… ” (not a bad idea, actually…)

And backpedaling at this point wouldn’t do you any good either… If I came out and said, “My statement about the Hostess Orange Cupcakes would merely a response to a question and not a statement of policy… I also enjoy Fig Newtons, Oreos, Famous Amos Chocolate Chip Cookies and Mallomars… “

Imagine the backlash on that statement!!

And then, think about all the things that you and I take for granted , that would never happen again if you were elected President…

You could never sneak out early in the morning in your Star Wars jammies to grab the newspaper off the porch…

You’d open the door and there would be an army of reporters and video cameras all waiting for you to show up in your jammies…

I think that would be the hardest part of this whole process…

Think about it… no matter what you do, no matter what you say, someone will be there to photograph it, videotape it, write about it, show it on the news, post it on YouTube, and make sure that the whole world knows about it…

Some of them will make it look like a good thing… and a lot of them would make it look like a really bad thing…

“Today, the President donated $50 to the 3 Stooges Museum to help with their annual fund drive… “

Immediately, someone in the press would say, in an editorial essay, “In an apparent insult to the comedy lovers of the nation, the President donated a measly $50 to the 3 Stooges Museum… his small, seemingly insignificant gift appears to be a way to show his disrespect for this fine organization and the good work they do… Well, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck to you too Mr. President….”

And I don’t know about you, but I would take that personally… I would have to go out there and look for the person that reported that and ask them very nicely why they said what they said about me…

I would call a press conference and once all the reporters were assembled, I would look around the room…

“Is Mr. Jones from the Daily Flatulence in the room?” I would say from the podium, looking around the room… “Mr. Jones?”

“Right here Mr. President” he would say, pleased to be singled out for the first question… and standing up.

Then I would stare at him for a second and after a few moments of silence, I would say…

“Mr. Jones, What is your problem? I’m sick and tired of your constantly criticizing me and everything I do! You want a piece of me? You want to settle this right now? You can step over here and we can have this out… you obviously have issues with the job I’m doing and think that you can do it better that I can, so we’re going to settle this once and for all… “

At this point, he’s looking around, confused…

I grin… “What? Are you chicken?”

And here’s where it’s good to be the President…

I’d look right at him and say to one of my aides, “Get the head of the IRS on the phone… I believe we need to look at Mr. Jones’ tax returns for the last… oh… let’s say, 10 years… what do you think Mr. Jones? How am I doing as President now? How’s this for fiscal responsibility… Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck…. “

Yep… it would be good to be the prez…

Because, I bet the President doesn’t have to go to Hungry Howie’s on snowy winter nights to pick up his pizza…

I bet the President doesn’t have to wait in line at Wal-Mart… and I bet he can take 20 items through the 10 items or less line…

I bet the President doesn’t have to hunt all over the living room for the remote control…

I bet the President doesn’t have to be home between 8am and 1pm to wait for Comcast to show up…

I bet the President doesn’t have to pump his own gas…

I bet the President can still get the “Old Style” Kentucky Fried Chicken…

I bet the President doesn’t have to take his shoes off at airport security…

I bet the President doesn’t have to wait 45 minutes to eat at Outback…

I bet the President gets head of the line at Disney World for all the good rides…

I bet the President doesn’t have to clean snow off his windshield…

Nope, the President has “People” to take care of those things… There are people that work in the White House whose only function is to “make the President happy” which includes those guys whose job description is “Jump in front of bullets headed for the President…”

Can you imagine having that job? And how do you put that on a resume?

But if I were President, there is one thing that I would most definitely have to do…

One day, while in transit from the White House to the Capitol… being the middle car in this whole entourage of cars… Presidential limo, Secret Service cars, police escort… I would roll that partition down and give directions to the driver…

Moments later, this entire caravan would pull in to the drive-thru at McDonald’s and when the limo got to the window, the chauffer would roll his window down and say, “I’ll have the uh… number three with a Diet Sprite” and then he would turn around, look at me, the President, and say, “How about you Sir, you want anything?”

To which I would reply… “Hmmm… do they have Hostess Orange Cupcakes?”

I bet I’d get some… ya think??

SAELIG!!

 

 

 

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